The Mirror of Truth

Saying Goodbye to a Toxic Friend Isn’t Easy

The Mirror of Truth

Let me tell you about this woman I allowed to hurt me for decades. She was brutally critical, even when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. During my toughest times—divorce, custody battles, sexual assault, and stalking—her harshness intensified. When I relocated, changed my name to Shannon Knight, and started over in Washington, she scoffed, "Now look at what you’ve done to your life! How will you make new friends without feeling like an imposter?"

She was a constant companion, the one I talked to the most. When I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in 2006, she filled my mind with worst-case scenarios. Even after my bilateral mastectomy, she bluntly criticized my appearance. When I faced a stage 4 recurrence in 2010 and married an abusive man, she only got worse, mocking me, "You married a man who abuses you while you have cancer; what a fool! You have backed yourself into a corner and have to fight cancer and survive abuse. Good luck.”

Throughout everything, I prayed. God was my light, growing dim when I strayed and brightening when I drew near.

In 2011, I was finally cancer-free and divorced the abusive man. She sneered, "Who are you kidding? Your life is a mess; you have so much baggage! No man will marry you; they’ll fear you’ll get cancer again."

She was my best friend—if you could call her that—but I couldn’t take the constant anxiety and panic anymore. I had to end this relationship delicately because she had been a part of my life for so long. I had to be brave because I deserved better. I needed to convince her that I deserved love and compassion and would no longer listen to her lies and criticism.

One day, I mustered the courage. I walked over to her, looked right into the bathroom mirror at my reflection, and cried. I told myself gently, “No more; it ends here and now.” I took out my lipstick and wrote "you are loved" on the mirror, leaving it there for a long time.

As I stared at my reflection, I realized something profound. The woman who had been the most toxic person in my life, the one who had criticized me the most, was me. I was my own worst enemy, my harshest critic. I had allowed myself to be consumed by negative thoughts and self-doubt.

I looked into my own eyes and spoke to myself with love and compassion for the first time. "I am God’s creation, I am loved, and from now on, I will begin to recognize all my qualities and gifts and learn what self-compassion means." I cried for a while, realizing how I had treated myself for so many years. Why did I allow it?

Saying goodbye to this toxic version of myself wasn’t easy. Even though she had been so critical, I understood her. I knew why she looked at me the way she did. But I also knew that when I let go, I needed to be tender with her, understand how she became that way, and let go with the deepest love and compassion. As Mark 12:31 tells us, Jesus said to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can we love our neighbors if we don't love ourselves? How can we be compassionate towards others if we're never compassionate towards ourselves?

Over time, I knew I could love others better. She might come back now and then to hurt me, but at least I would know what she was doing. Self-awareness is essential on the journey to self-compassion. Slip-ups are okay. We can be our worst critics, and our perception of others can be warped if we are not first compassionate towards ourselves. We assume people who love us do not care when often they do, and sometimes we believe we are loved by someone who absolutely does not. We knew it; we were not mistaken about how we were treated. Receiving love is a remarkable and beautiful experience!

I had to work hard to learn the importance of self-compassion and apply it in my life consistently. I started with my favorite picture of me at the innocent age of five, putting it in a beautiful frame on my bedside so I could remember who I was, my true identity in Christ, Our Lord.

If I ever catch my old self coming back to criticize her, I will stop her and tell her that I know this little girl so well and the truth about who she is. She is kind, worthy, lovable, and beautiful. Every scar on her body has a story with a beautiful ending.

We will all make mistakes. We will fail sometimes; it’s inevitable. However, allowing harsh self-criticism only makes matters worse. Self-compassion changes everything, bringing a better perspective, stronger faith, and more hope—all of which we need to keep going forward and fully thrive in our lives.

I did find true love—a man who is not afraid of possibly having to care for me if I ever get sick, a man who says I am beautiful and believes in the power of God’s love to transform my thinking back to the truth of how He created me with love. I know the truth of my name change to Knight was to keep me safe, but it was also chosen as a reminder of scripture I needed to hold onto during my trials. Ephesians 6:10-18: Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, so you may be able to stand against the devil's wiles.

~ Shannon KnightTo discover more about my self-compassion life coaching services, please explore my website or call

206-941-2222