My Darkest Hour

My Darkest Hour: A Letter to a Friend.

I'm often reached out to by courageous individuals battling cancer, most of whom are women facing advanced stages like I did. They are curious about how soon I noticed my body healing following my alternative treatment. My reaction may come as a surprise, given that my health initially deteriorated before showing signs of improvement. Although I may have appeared courageous in public, I was consumed with profound fear with occasional moments of extraordinary bravery.

I was diagnosed with a recurrence of stage 4 breast cancer in July 2011, which had aggressively spread to my lungs, bones, and lymph nodes, I was engulfed in pain and fear. The doubt about the cancer treatment working was unnerving, I had moments of doubt but I refused to give up. This was my final opportunity to try and heal from cancer. Weak and unable to undergo chemotherapy, I was informed by UCLA that I had only months to live. This devastating news marked the beginning of my journey toward discovering newfound ways to heal and restore my faith, hope, and strength.

I think sharing my letter with anyone who feels guilty about occasionally "losing it." because you are so tired of the time it takes to heal and want a break from it all could be helpful for those who believe they must always remain strong. I broke down when a friend sent me a brief message to check in on me.

I LOST it!

I can see how that was one of the darkest times in my life; my spirit felt diminished. It was a very dark time. If I had not experienced this stage of my emotions, I don’t think I would have had the insight or empathy to share with others that it happens and we will get through it.

My response to my friend's letter reveals how my faith was crumbling, and fear consumed me. My dad was battling cancer at the same time I was, and I did not want to lose him. He was my touchstone for many things, and I feared losing him.

My lengthy response to my friend's question of how I was certainly was not what she expected. My reply depicts the fear, struggle, and anger phase of anticipatory grief I was going through because both my dad and I were diagnosed with terminal cancer. I must add that right after this time of writing my response to her, my symptoms from cancer began diminishing, and by August, they were gone entirely and the following October 15, 2011, I got results from my PET/CT scan that confirmed I was indeed cancer-free.

You know, we hit these crossroads, where we need to figure out what path to choose for cancer treatment-especially trying a new path. We know it’s on us because we decide what to do next. We muster up the courage to head in a new direction, but then doubt can swoop in and play tricks on us as we keep trying to be positive and succeed with our choices.

My letter below shows how we can be at our darkest hour before we are taken into the light. My analogy or visual is of God’s hand, with the shadow getting darker and darker as He gets closer and lifts us back up into the light.

I see now that it was the darkest time in my life. If I had not experienced this stage of my emotions, I don’t think I would have had the insight or empathy to share with others who are terrified.

My lengthy response below depicts the fear, struggle, and anger phase of anticipatory grief I was going through because I had a terminal illness, and so did Dad. I do not think she was expecting such an emotional response from me. I want to add that right after this letter, my symptoms from cancer began diminishing, and by August, they were completely gone, and the following October 15, 2011, I got results from my PET/CT scan that showed I was indeed cancer-free.

My letter here shows how we can be at our darkest hour before we are taken into the light. My analogy or visual is of God’s hand, and the shadow of His hand gets darker and darker as He gets closer to us before He picks us up and brings us into the light. God’s will is still with Him, ever so close to us.

Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

God hears all your prayers Psalm 139:4, 1 John 5:14–15, 1 Peter 3:12)In a way, it answers all your prayers, but the outcomes may not always align with our requests. When we seek something from God, the answer could be 'Yes', 'No', or 'Wait'.

My letter Response: From Shannon Knight

I am not sharing my friend’s name or initial letter to honor her privacy.

May 3, 2011, at 12:33 pm

Dear ******,

My breathing is getting worse; it’s been hard times, and my lungs feel like there is a knife in it. I am not very positive today and feel so small. Heaven is where God wants us; eventually, He wants us to be with Him, so why do we fight to hang on here? The tumors are growing rapidly, and I feel like I have wasted time trying to get well. I know you think this is probably Satan working his stuff on me. We don’t always get what we pray for.

Since we last talked, two women are in a coma and very sick from chemotherapy. When I pray, I feel God will do what He wants anyway, and He already has a plan for us.

So, are we praying against “His plan”?

I hope my letter does not upset you. It’s just me and the pain and the fear (God made me with “all emotions”). I do not believe He thought I would get through life without my fears and always be gleeful and joyful. He made me human and I felt guilty for feeling fear that it is not working anymore. Fear is an emotion, and satan did NOT have a hand in our creation. God created my entire being, anger, joy, fear, etc. I am trying to accept my emotions, and it’s hard. I watched a true story last night. I was saddened to see all the Christians killing the Pagans. Our world is full of craziness, and it has me so sad. What a mess!

Forgive me for being so blunt, and I do not mean to sway you from your faith; I admire it but lack it right now. I am one woman clacking away at a keyboard in a big universe. Do you know how tiny that is, with the billions of people on earth? People are being tortured and murdered, pleading for God’s help in the Congo with the horrible genocide, and in Juarez, Mexico, dealing with femicide. I am too insignificant to expect Him to answer my prayers right now. If I am worse this week, maybe, it is just meant to be; I’m only one human out of how many who are fighting this disease?

We have free will, and we must choose the right treatment. I am trying so hard, but I feel it is futile when I see so little change after being so confident and full of hope. I have never been like this, and here it is, I am finally to the point where I think God lets us make choices, and then we all die at different times, “but eventually we die” and go to a better place. I don’t think praying will change what God has already planned for me.

I believe in Him, I believe He sent His Son to die for our sins, and that Jesus is our Savior, but right now I think, that death does not mean the same thing to God as it does to us. “We are afraid to let go and return to Him.” He knows it’s the best place we could ever hope to be, and yet we don’t dare pray for it because to do that, we would look suicidal.

We pray to stay alive and expect God to answer that prayer. He takes us when He wants to!

I know how lost I seem; I do! I now wonder if I will scare you away by hitting the send key to deliver this letter. I love you, my friend, and I am so glad you are in my life, but what if I bring you down? What if I insult your faith with my angry interpretation of God’s will?

Why am I so jealous of survivors right now? What the heck is wrong with me? Why do I want to just for once cook whatever I used to cook because it is delicious? Homemade meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn, my homemade Italian meatballs are simply the best with angel hair pasta and sauce, which is also out of this world. I miss my favorite pineapple carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. I am tired of waking up and everything concerning this disease. I am supposed to eat all these foods I don’t even like (and that’s healthy?). You should taste my homemade lasagna. I even make the best pumpernickel croutons. Now, everything I love to eat is not supposed to be healthy for me!

To hell with it!

Please forgive me for being so honest about how I feel. I don’t want to scare you away, but I need your friendship, and I am hurting.

xoxo ~Shannon

PS. To answer your question, you don’t bug me too much; you never have, and you never will.

As the decade passed, my faith grew so much more, and my fear diminished. I can feed

Today, I pray to God, knowing I am worth healing and love. I am not insignificant, and I believe God helps so many because the people who love us and carry His light are there for us. We can all share that light with others. That's a beautiful way for God to be there for us.

My faith is strong now because I feed it daily. Fear and faith can grow, feed faith, and starve that fear.

I have self-compassion now because God says to love others as we love ourselves- think about that for a minute xoxo.