Learning What Love is
In 1993 my husband Michael made me feel like this photo, but I did not know self-compassion and had a great big wall up to protect myself from the risk of emotional and physical pain. I took that crown off. I could not recognize LOVE and HONOR and did not understand a man with strength, kindness, and compassion. He was a man of much fewer words then, but his actions, looking back, said it all.
We gravitate to what we know; the familiar and Michael's love was so gentle, constant, and unique but unfamiliar to me. I thought that the "familiar kind of love," which kind of feels like slipping on a pair of old shoes, is somewhat comfortable but always mixed with pain. It could not work out for us back in 1993.
It took over two decades to learn God's constant love, grace, and my value to see my husband after we reunited with clarity.
Some people have asked me if our love is real or a front...I have to chuckle because I get it; they are used to my poor choices for myself in the past- I really understand the concern.
Many of those friends helped bail me out of catastrophic messes, and I am grateful for them, and I am thankful for the lessons.
I learned...
I have been the happiest in my life since Michael Madden, and I found each other again, and I know love now, which is better than I ever imagined.
YES! Our love is genuine, joyful, precious, and timeless. We rely on God for the hard times we face together. We pray together, and the most significant part is we nourish it, and it just keeps pulling us closer and closer.
I would write much more, but the best part is that I no longer feel like I am walking on eggshells. That FAMILIAR feeling was just that! In every other relationship over the years, I felt cautious, confused, and in chaos. It was a warped love if it was love at all.
Love does not feel satisfaction in someone's pain; it is not manipulative. If Michael is ever hurting, I HURT, and if I am hurting, Michael hurts. I will never experience the hurts I went through in the past before Michael-never again.
When I hear that garage door open and Michael is home from work, it always feels wonderful, like Christmas, or the feelings from the best of my memories collectively from childhood or our first date, dance, kiss, etc.
It's been four years, and Michael gently placed that crown right back on my head, and I am not taking it off. I have learned that true love does grow; I know that feeling won't ever go away.
This is the way it should be, and it doesn't matter how long it took to get where we were always meant to be. It just matters that we were blessed to recognize a love we never want to take for granted because it truly is a gift from God, with God and eternal.
We are so grateful for each other and to God most of all.
Shannon Knight
