What People Say And What We Hear
Cancer is a sensitive conversational subject with family and friends. What to say and what not say to someone with a cancer diagnosis is a mystery and confusing. The post is about family and friends communicating with their loved ones who have a diagnosis of cancer. I have always found that even as a survivor over nine years out, it is hard to figure out what to say or advise a loved one on what to say to an individual diagnosed with cancer. I see myself as someone who battled cancer (an enemy wanted to kill me from the inside out). I am a cancer survivor! I CONQUERED IT!
People are communicating to each other through their own understanding and perspective of a cancer diagnosis.
It is natural to read my cancer story and refer to whatever you can relate to as your experience too. If you are offended by how I describe part of my experience, it is common for people with cancer to take it personally and apply it to their personal experience. How you refer to my cancer experience is "SHANNON'S TRUTH " How could I possibly know the intricate details and feelings of your story or millions of others. It will not change how I view myself. I own my view of what I am going through. You see it the way you do. I don't get offended, but there was a time where I did feel overly sensitive about phrases and words said to me while I had cancer.
Today, this has made me a more sensitive, empathetic, and compassionate woman to anyone going through it. However, I am aware that we are diverse even though we are unified in a cancer community worldwide. It's like many tribes with their beliefs and values collectively; we have expected people to speak the same language and think the same way as we do about our cancer experience. It is so unrealistic, yet I still understand why people do it; they project their experience onto someone else.
By the way- many of the books I reviewed on what to say to someone who has cancer to show support and books that say what not to say to someone who has cancer to show support, 50% of the content was in both books contradicting each other. An example of one is "I'm praying for you." I cannot tell you how many people hate hearing that and how many truly appreciate it—just one example. Many terms listed below are viewed differently by someone going through cancer. Some are considered offensive, insensitive or rude, and others view it as empowering, supportive and motivational. They have been said to us by people who care about us.
"Damned if You Do and Damned if You Don't Statements"
"I'm a Fighter!"
"I'm not in a battle!"
"Why can't they see I am battling for my life?"
"I hate it when people treat me like I have cancer and feel sorry for me."
"Why doesn't my family realize I have cancer?"
"People act as if nothing's changed in our life."
"I'm on a tough journey, but I will make it through!"
Some wish they could be recognized as a fighter, and others want to be seen as normal without cancer. They are trying to be respectful and showing what they think they understand about cancer. If they never had cancer, how can they communicate or relate? I think we need to be more lenient and forgiving because when people are afraid they might say something offensive, they start to avoid communicating at all.
We are the sensitive ones, and it is much easier to attempt to recognize their good intentions than to feel injured emotionally and resent them for it. We should try to understand. Yes, even though we have cancer, we need to try because it shines a light on the love people do have for us. We need that love and forgiveness always opens the door for more love to come our way and help heal us. People are awkward sometimes; that means all of us.
Since 2006 when I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer and then in 2010 with a recurrence of stage 4, and even today, people will innocently ask me, "So, do you still get tested for cancer?" Whew! I used to be so offended by that. I am cancer-free for 9 1/2 years, and on some days, I want to throttle them (Why would they want me to check and see if that cancer monster was hanging around?), and on other days, I felt peaceful and answered the question respectfully. I understood who they were in my life and that they had the best intentions for me. They love me.
It is about our attitude and where we are mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. People cannot read our minds, and the things people say are said in a split second. They care! When you get cancer, you are more sensitive. We are the touchy ones- believe me, I know it. If we can try to remember they have always loved us and forgive them for the awkward way they talk(they are clueless), we will feel their love has not left us.
My dad was an ace when he had cancer in seeing the goodness in people who loved him. He never looked for that opportunity of a loved one who said something without intent to hurt him and think that they were suddenly hateful or insensitive. If he had complained about how we talked to him, we would probably have avoided conversations with dad to not risk accidentally saying the wrong thing.
We close doors on many who hurt us by the things they said, and then when we miss them, we start to blame them for abandoning us. (Readers, please think before reacting to that statement I just wrote )
I speak to many women who have gone through this exact scenario, and I recognize it because I did it too!
Feel free to show me the diversity by adding to the list below what statements hurt you in the past, making you angry or scared, invalidated, or misunderstood.
I am inviting you to do this in the comments to see the diversity in what hurts one another.
Self-introspection is great.
~They talk about anything other than the cancer
~They sway I'm strong,
~You're going to be fine
~At least you do not stage 4
~At least they caught it early
~Your hair will grow back curlier or thicker or anything!
~I'm so sorry you got cancer
~Your'e, a survivor!
~Fight like a girl
~You’re sick, and we understand
~Cancer is just passing through you and on its way out
~Stay positive
~If you're negative, cancer will not go away
~Don't hold your anger inside. Let it out
~This is part of God's plan
~Have Faith
~It's okay to be angry...(I'm not angry!)
~The cancer journey
~You're so brave
~I'm sorry, I know how you must be feeling
~Have you tried this or that? (Shoot anyone down for suggesting)
~If anyone can beat this, you can!
~It's a soul journey
~We didn't invite you because we thought you wouldn't be up for it.”
~I've always wanted to shave my head.”
~ I'm praying for you
~Can you manage that, or are you sure you're up for that
~God is with you
~You'll get through this!
~Call me if you need anything (surprising, but people don't like that)
The greatest lesson I learned is that while FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE (and I was), we are on a rollercoaster ride of fearful emotions, and what we cannot handle one day, we will find ourselves saying the next day that It's okay if you call yourself a fighter or survivor.
God help the person who wrote or said the wrong thing on a day where we identified with cancer in a whole different way.I had cancer twice, so I know that the many things that people said to me on one day that made me feel hurt, mad, uncomfortable, etc., were never consistent. The next day I could say myself about what I was going through, and it was okay. I learned what the real problem was; "My Attitude" that needed to be adjusted.
Cancer threw me out of whack, mentally and emotionally; I mean seriously-so much worse than PMS or Bridezilla, and I felt I had a rite of passage, and people automatically forgave me because I had cancer, with so much on my plate and they just let it go. There was a long period of time during my cancer journey where I was angrier, and I was less willing to see people for their good intentions, which made me the fool who ended up feeling less loved.
Family and friends are just as unprepared for a cancer diagnosis as we are. Many books advise family and friends on the wrong thing to say or the right thing to say. There is no manual for such a diverse group in the millions. We are all wired differently emotionally and mentally, and it started in our childhood. What triggers one person to feeling hurt may be laughable to another and not even phase them.
Feelings are valid, but if we want to feel good and loved, we have got to recognize what our triggers are and why. We are the creator of our own happiness, and there is plenty to go around.
We have to focus on how to be better prepared for the awkward things people will say and let them go so it does not impact our health negatively. It takes practice, but I know how to do it, and it can be done.
