Then and Now

It’s a New Year’, and I had to write. I broke down in tears with gratitude to God for the life I have. Especially in the last ten years. That kind of crying does not happen often. It’s overwhelming to look back on my life battling stage 3 and stage 4 cancer and all the collateral damage that occurred along the way.

There were many blessings, too, and when I looked back and realized the magnitude of all I went through. It takes my breath away if I think too long about it at one moment. It's like watching a string of horror movies all in one night, where you are the lead role fighting to stay alive; It's chilling because you see all the close calls.
I know for sure that God was always there, and if not for my faith, it could have been so much worse for me emotionally.

I posted the photos here because they remind me of the contrast between where I was and where I am today. The overwhelming blessings of all those years have become much clearer to me now. The further I get from all that took place, the more gratitude I have, so much that it has brought me to my knees many times to thank God wholeheartedly.

Without a doubt, it was a heroine's journey to victory, and that is what this photo represents. I have seen many women on a similar journey, and they don't know or see what many of us see. They, too, are on a heroine’s journey. They fight because they have to.

I see now what God can do with all the broken pieces. He puts us back together if we let Him, and our life can turn in a new direction with an apparent calling. When I look back at what came from all that brokenness, I see where empathy developed and how my experiences helped me relate to other women going through cancer. I became a certified life coach for women. I would never have chosen that career if I had not gone through tragedies.

My journey started with a stage 3 diagnosis of breast cancer in 2006. It was like being thrown instantly onto a battlefield. I was unsure of what arsenal of weapons to use to claim victory over cancer. Could I even do it?

I had witnessed so much cancer in my life with family and friends. Now, here I was, facing my fear of cancer. Over and over again, I had to use faith over fear. It was the only thing that conquered it. I went through a bilateral mastectomy and got a staph infection as a result. I was too sick to do chemo. Seemingly I was in remission by 2008. I did not really celebrate, it did not feel like it was quite over for me, and it wasn't.

In 2010 I was in dire circumstances! I was married to an abusive husband, and I had a recurrence of stage 4 cancer with metastasis to all lobes of my lungs, sternum, and ribs. I did radiation and ended up once again with a staph infection complication and could not do chemo. My journey could have gone in many different directions. I think the infection was a blessing in disguise. I do not believe I would have survived chemo because even IV antibiotics caused me serious side effects.
Anyone who has cancer understands the reality of that, even though we rarely speak of it.

I felt scared and alone, always looking out my bedroom window, daydreaming of the worst and possible scenarios. I wondered how it was going to all end. Would it be by the hands of my ex-husband’s brutality, or would stage 4 cancer kill me in 3-12 months, as the oncologist said back in 2010?

I prayed to God for a miracle, and I couldn't wrap my head around death. Who really can? I was one person among millions praying for healing, and I have struggled during the hardest of times since I was a child in believing that my small voice could be heard in prayer by God; that it was important enough to be answered. Our mind plays tricks like that on us.

Well, looking back at this horror show, I can see how God has been ever-present! I look at my life, so transformed on so many levels. I have entirely healed from stage 4 breast cancer with alternative cancer treatment at CMN hospital in San Luis, Mexico. So all was not lost. I divorced that violent man a year later.

Now, I am reunited and happily married to the one man who loved me, how God intends a man to love a woman. Michael’s heart is beautiful, and his faith in God is strong. His love and compassion have been a healing balm on many old wounds.

I see now that emotional wounds can wreak havoc on our immune system. I even reflected on the decade before getting cancer. I was a victim of stalking and sexual assault. I had to move to Washington state with my 12-year-old daughter and get a new identity for our safety, which meant a new name and social security number without access to my college transcripts, work history, or references. My daughter and I walked everywhere because we didn't have a car for the first two years of that decade. We were scared, but we have grown stronger because of it.

We recorded a Facebook Live to talk about it openly this last year. The video is on my timeline, or you can find it in my FB video album. In it, we discuss our gratitude and what we got from that tumultuous time of our life. God can move mountains you think are unmovable and bring you blessings you may not have expected.

I believe it is through my gratitude, where I began to see miracles take place. Miracles are not as rare as we think. I thank everyone who helped me when I felt afraid. You loved and supported me on so many different levels over the decade. I am looking at the year ahead, but I couldn't do so tonight without reflecting on the last ten years. Tonight took my breath away, and it felt like I got whisked back into time, so I could experience all of it again for a moment and be thankful.

I was a victim; I was beaten down and broken but not forever and not without hope. I prayed; actually, it was more like constant conversations with God. My relationship grew stronger in those years. I see that now.
If you are going through tough times, look back at where you have already been in your life at other hard times you thought you'd never get through. See how far you've come. You're stronger than you realize.

Do not make New Year's resolutions just yet. Take time for self-compassion and acknowledgment for what you got through this last year. Soak it all in; that’s what I've done tonight; I put my hands over my heart, and I just thanked God, and I felt the fullness and magnitude of the last ten years. Do that for yourself and think about the roads you've walked and how far you've come.

Resolutions can come later. For now, celebrate your victories that you have championed. I know many of us have had sadness. We've lost loved ones, whether in friendship, death, or isolating ourselves. I know I have, more recently, my dad, but I know where he is. On May 31st, 2019, he stepped into heaven, and I know I will reunite with him again one day and with all my other loved ones who have gone before me. We miss them, but I know it is all temporary here anyway, so cancer made me realize to make my days count, not just for me but to be valuable to others.

My husband and I were married on Dec 3, 2019, and it fits right in with the other happiest days of my life; the birth of my two children, my five grandchildren, and being told I was cancer-free. My husband and dad gave me a precious gift by collaborating and recording a message to present on our wedding day.

My Dad wanted to make sure he was there on our wedding day, even if only in spirit, because he knew he would step into heaven before the day we wed. I think of the love it took to do that and how hard that must have been for my father. That's great love, and he left a gift I'll cherish forever. You can hear his sweet inspirational words in our wedding video.