Double Trouble
Double Trouble
Facing Stage 4 Breast Cancer While Coping With Domestic Violence
Hello,
I hope by sharing my personal experience, it can offer you some comfort and understanding if you are facing similar challenges. Dealing with advanced cancer is incredibly tough, and when you add physical abuse from a spouse, partner, or caregiver, it feels like an impossible burden. You are not alone in this.
A Heart-to-Heart with My Father
I hesitated for a long time to share my story publicly because it is deeply personal and painful. On Father’s Day, a year before my dad passed away from cancer, we had a heart-to-heart conversation. I shared with him how my ex-husband had abused me while I was battling cancer and that I had hidden this from him because he was going through stage 4 cancer at the same time. I didn't want to worry him. Dad said, "Honey, it's time. You have been healed from cancer since 2011 and divorced since 2012. You are safe now. It is time to share because you could help others who are facing the same thing you did and offer hope."
So, I pulled my car over that evening on my way home and cried—no, I sobbed—so many tears. Despite his fragile state, my dad infused me with strength and inspiration. It was then that I realized I had to share my story to help others.
Marriage and Cancer: A Double Struggle
In August 2008, I started dating a man I had known since high school. We got married in December 2010. It wasn't long before I knew I was in trouble. He was an alcoholic, explosive, and extremely violent. At the same time, I was suffering from symptoms of a stage 4 cancer recurrence. The cancer in my bones, the surgery, and radiation I underwent never stopped this man from lashing out at me.
From 2010 to 2012, I was trapped in this marriage, unable to leave because he was my caregiver, and I depended on him for support while battling this relentless disease. While battling cancer, I had to endure both physical pain and emotional turmoil caused by my abusive partner. It was a delicate balance, but defeating cancer had to be my priority before leaving him. It was a choice between two evils, and I believed that overcoming cancer was my best chance at survival, even with the constant fear of his violent outbursts due to my bone metastasis. My determination and will to live were stronger than anything I had ever experienced.
Seeking Treatment in Mexico
During my fight against stage 4 cancer in 2010, I underwent surgery and radiation. However, a severe staph infection prevented me from receiving chemotherapy. According to UCLA, my prognosis was grim, with only a few months left to live. But I refused to give up and sought treatment at CMN Hospital in San Luis, Mexico. Despite the financial burden, my incredible friends and family dedicated five months to fundraising for my cause. Unfortunately, the funds were managed by my abusive husband, who grew even more violent as my condition deteriorated.
Challenges of Battling Cancer While Coping with Domestic Violence
Battling cancer is already a monumental challenge, but when combined with domestic violence, it becomes even more overwhelming. Here are some reasons why:
Dependence on the Abuser: When you are battling a severe illness like cancer, you often become dependent on those around you for support. This includes physical, emotional, and financial support. In an abusive relationship, this dependence can be exploited by the abuser, making it even harder to leave. The abuser controls not only your safety but also your access to necessary treatments, medications, and even your basic needs like food and shelter.
Financial Control: Abusers often control all the financial resources, leaving the victim with no money to seek help or escape. This financial dependence traps victims in the relationship, as they may have no means to support themselves or their children if they leave. In my case, my husband controlled the funds raised for my cancer treatment, adding another layer of complexity to an already dire situation.
Physical Vulnerability: Cancer treatments can leave you physically weak and vulnerable. During these times, the risk of abuse can increase, as the abuser may take advantage of your weakened state. The physical pain from both the cancer and the abuse can be unbearable, making it hard to focus on healing. The need for constant medical care and the physical toll of the disease make it incredibly difficult to find the strength to leave.
Emotional Toll: The emotional toll of dealing with both cancer and abuse is immense. The constant fear, anxiety, and stress can weaken your resolve and make it hard to fight back. The emotional abuse can erode your self-esteem and make you believe that you deserve the treatment you are receiving, which is never true.
A Desperate Escape
It was during this battle that I realized: "You can be afraid and have faith at the same time." When we finally gathered the funds, we borrowed our pastor's car and hit the road, urgency fueling our every move. As we approached the Mexico/AZ border, tension inside the vehicle reached a boiling point. Without warning, he unleashed a storm of violent blows, his fury triggered by something unknown. An opportune moment came when the car slowed, and I seized my chance to escape. I sprinted into the unknown, fueled by desperation and determination, relentlessly seeking assistance. Gasping for air, my lungs suffocated by cancer's relentless grip, every breath felt like fire. My ribs and sternum throbbed with unbearable pain, protesting the expanding pressure with each intake of air. But just as I felt a glimmer of hope, he caught up to me, crashing forcefully into my trembling body, raining down a barrage of fists.
Witnessed by onlookers across the street at a strip mall, the moment carried an undeniable intensity. Swiftly, witnesses dialed the police, who wasted no time in responding. With remarkable speed, they swooped in and pried him off of me. Handcuffed and forced to kneel, he faced a barrage of questions while tears streamed down my face and my body trembled. Desperately, I tried to steady my breath as I pleaded with the detective in the distinguished brown suit. Pointing to the PICC line in my arm, I implored them not to apprehend him. The stakes were high; the money in his pocket resulted from five months of fundraising for my cancer treatment at CMN Hospital. Every fiber of my being fought for understanding, knowing that if he was taken away, the funds crucial for my well-being would be lost. With a heavy heart and pain coursing through my veins, I contemplated the arduous journey back home, feeling defeated yet determined.
While I stayed grounded, the officer interrogated me, trying to influence my decision. Showing him the PICC line in my arm, I felt calm when he acknowledged it. He shared that his 13-year-old nephew was battling leukemia, giving me hope as he understood my situation. Concerned for my safety but willing to help, he wanted to assist me in crossing the border with funds for my cancer treatment. As he spoke to his colleagues, I prayed for a smooth passage. The police instructed us to stay in the car as they followed closely, ensuring my safety. We finally arrived at CMN Hospital, and throughout my treatment, I kept the incident to myself, sharing a room with my ex. It unexpectedly became a peaceful time, and every day, I sought solace in the hospital chapel, praying for healing.
A Time of Healing
My time at CMN Hospital was truly eye-opening. Those weeks provided a sanctuary from the chaos that had consumed my life for nearly two years. Seeking solace in the hospital chapel became a daily ritual, offering prayers as a lifeline and a source of peace. However, bidding farewell became difficult as my treatments neared completion. Anxiety gripped me as thoughts of the trip home overshadowed any hope for a brighter future. As we left Arizona behind and headed back to Simi Valley, the nightmare I had longed to escape resurfaced, revealing its ugly head.
Amidst baseless accusations, he berated me for absurd reasons, like supposedly favoring my brother over my husband. As I innocently reached for my chapstick, his words pierced the air, "You're not even listening to me!" The car instantly transformed into a battlefield, intensifying the attack. Contemplating the countless prayers offered within this pastor's vehicle, I clung to hope and fervently prayed for an escape. The desert highway stretched before us, offering little chance for liberation. Yet determination took hold, and in a brave moment, I seized the opportunity. I lunged for freedom, but he grabbed hold of me, slowing the vehicle down with a vice-like grip around my neck. Desperation fueled me as I fought against the weight, my head pressed between his lap and the unforgiving steering wheel. With a pounding heart, I broke free and sprinted through the desert, desperately waving my hands at passing cars, praying for help. Please, let someone stop!
My first attempt proved futile as he swiftly caught up, dragging me back while I screamed for help. But even in the face of his anger, I refused to give up. As soon as he turned to the driver's seat, I seized the opportunity and bolted out again, my hands thrusting into the air, a beacon of desperation. Deep down, I knew the chances of someone stopping in that desolate desert were slim, but fear wouldn't paralyze me.
A courageous woman finally pulled over, waving me towards her car. As soon as I entered, she gently helped me lay down in the back seat, offering water. Our journey to Eisenhower Hospital in Palm Springs took about an hour, and once there, the hospital provided security for my room.
Glancing at my reflection in the hospital restroom mirror, I recognized for the first time the extent of my bruises. Amidst a whirlwind of emotions—sadness, shame, and confusion—I couldn't help but contrast my broken appearance with the transformative healing I experienced in San Luis, Mexico.
Moving Forward
Exhaustion and pain consumed me. I couldn't help but shoulder the blame, questioning how I ended up in this mess. Throughout my hospitalization, the woman who had rescued me stood by my side. She even reached out to people in my life who could offer support so that I wouldn't have to return home. She offered to cover the cost of a plane ticket to bring me to Washington state, where my best friend lived.
Dealing with domestic violence while battling cancer is a challenging dilemma. Stockholm syndrome is worth exploring, as my abuser also served as my caregiver, making me completely dependent on him. Let me explain why I declined her compassionate offer. It wasn't because I didn't appreciate her gesture. I simply couldn't bear burdening others. I was well aware of the complexities involved in my care and lacked confidence in anyone's ability to attend to my needs, given the severity of my illness.
Surviving cancer became more than a battle; it was my determination to triumph over stage four cancer and break free from its hold. It seemed daunting, almost impossible, but I held on to hope. Quitting was never an option. With stage four breast cancer, seeking refuge at a women's shelter was out of the question. In 2010, UCLA deemed me terminal with just a few months left. But I wasn't alone—I had God by my side, my eternal companion, never abandoning me.
Imagine a world where terminally ill domestic violence victims have no shelters, depriving them of crucial care. Some victims even require hospice care, yet it remains frustratingly out of reach. It's vital to grasp that when a loved one shares their story, we must not diminish its significance. Personally, I've experienced the disappointment of reaching out to family members who couldn't fathom a spouse harming their wife, especially when I was vulnerable. It's tragically common for abusers to manipulate and deceive their own families, isolating victims and creating insurmountable barriers. Nevertheless, let's express gratitude for those who support and empower us to overcome these challenges. We're truly blessed to have them by our side.
A New Beginning
On October 15th, 2011, CMN's cancer treatment succeeded. Regaining my health, I devised a safety plan to leave my husband, with my niece's assistance. I managed to open a private checking account by gathering some funds. To ensure your safety and well-being, exercise caution, think creatively, and plan multiple contingencies. Remember, resourcefulness is key.
On October 15th, 2012, exactly one year after my recovery from cancer, my ex-husband subjected me to a final act of abuse that required hospitalization. Simi Valley, Adventist Hospital provided me with a taxi voucher upon my discharge. Utilizing my savings, I booked a hotel and, when it was safe, sneaked back into the house to retrieve my prepared getaway bag containing essential supplies, including dog food for my dog Louie and important paperwork. I hailed a cab, checked into another hotel, and never looked back. I divorced a physically and emotionally abusive man who dared to mistreat a woman with stage 4 cancer. Finally, I was free from abuse and cancer.
Understanding Domestic Violence
Why Do Victims Stay With Their Abuser?
Abusive relationships are extremely complex. The effort and resources it takes to organize a safe exit feel insurmountable. It takes a lot of courage to leave for good. Abuse is about power and control. When a survivor leaves their abusive relationship, they threaten the power and control their partner has established, which may cause the partner to retaliate in harmful ways.
Abusive relationships are extremely complex. The effort and resources it takes to organize a safe exit feel insurmountable. It takes a lot of courage to leave for good. Abuse is about power and control. When a survivor leaves their abusive relationship, they threaten the power and control their partner has established, which may cause the partner to retaliate in harmful ways.
The Cycle of Abuse
Abuse often follows a cyclical pattern, where periods of calm and affection are interspersed with episodes of tension and violence. This cycle can create a sense of hope that things will get better, making it even harder to leave. The abuser's apologies and promises of change can make the victim believe that the relationship is worth saving, even though the pattern of abuse continues.
Emotional and Psychological Manipulation
Abusers often use emotional and psychological tactics to control their partners. They may isolate their victim from friends and family, making them feel alone and dependent. Gaslighting, where the abuser makes the victim question their reality, is another common tactic. These manipulations can erode the victim's self-esteem and sense of self-worth, making it even more difficult to leave.
Financial Dependence
Financial control is a powerful tool used by abusers. By controlling access to money, abusers can make it nearly impossible for their victims to leave. Without financial resources, victims may feel trapped and unable to support themselves or their children. This financial dependence is a significant barrier to escaping an abusive relationship.
Fear of Retaliation
Leaving an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for a survivor. The abuser may escalate their violence to reassert control. Fear of retaliation can paralyze victims, making them feel that leaving is more dangerous than staying. This fear is not unfounded; many survivors are harmed or even killed when they attempt to leave.
Lack of Support and Resources
Survivors often lack access to the resources they need to leave safely. Shelters, legal assistance, and financial support are crucial, but not always available. In rural or underserved areas, these resources can be even harder to find. Without support, the prospect of leaving can seem impossible.
Overcoming Shame and Stigma
Shame and stigma are powerful forces that keep survivors silent. They may feel embarrassed or fear that others will judge them. This can prevent them from reaching out for help. It's important to create a supportive environment where survivors feel safe to share their stories without fear of judgment.
Hope and Healing
Despite the challenges, many survivors do find a way to leave and rebuild their lives. It takes immense strength and courage, and the support of friends, family, and advocacy organizations can make a significant difference. Healing is a journey, but it is possible. Survivors can find hope and reclaim their lives, free from abuse.
How You Can Help
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, know that help is available. Here are some steps you can take:
Reach Out for Support: Contact a trusted friend, family member, or advocate. They can offer emotional support and help you create a safety plan.
Know Your Resources: Familiarize yourself with local shelters, legal aid organizations, and hotlines. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) is available 24/7 for support and guidance.
Create a Safety Plan: Plan how you will leave, where you will go, and how you will stay safe. Include details like packing an emergency bag, securing important documents, and having a safe place to stay.
Seek Legal Protection: Consider obtaining a restraining order to keep the abuser away from you. Legal aid organizations can help you navigate this process.
Take Care of Yourself: Focus on your physical and emotional well-being. Therapy and support groups can be incredibly helpful in your healing process.
Ending the Cycle
Breaking free from an abusive relationship is incredibly challenging, but it is possible. Remember, you are not alone, and there is hope for a brighter future. By raising awareness and offering support, we can help end the cycle of abuse and empower survivors to reclaim their lives.
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Disclaimer: Everyone tells their personal story differently, using different words according to their belief, customs, culture, and experience. I always share according to mine and mean no offense to anyone else's philosophy, beliefs, culture, or customs.
