Double Trouble
I hope that my personal experience of dealing with cancer and domestic violence will shed some light on others going through the same thing. I have to admit that advanced cancer is a challenging situation, and when you have to cope with physical abuse from a spouse, partner, or caregiver, that doubles the trouble. I was afraid to share this story publicly because of this fear. While visiting my father on Father's Day a year before he passed away from cancer, he told me that I had to tell the whole story to help others going through this journey who may feel alone.
In 2006, I faced stage 3 breast cancer, followed by a recurrence of stage 4 breast cancer in 2010. This time, it had spread to my bones and lungs. As it progressed to stage 4, I found myself in a fragile state. From 2010 to 2012, I was trapped in a marriage with a physically abusive man, unable to leave because he served as my caregiver.
While battling cancer, I had to navigate both physical pain and emotional turmoil caused by my abusive partner. It was a delicate balance, but defeating cancer had to be my priority before leaving him. It was a choice between two evils, and I believed that overcoming cancer was my best chance at survival, even with the constant fear of his violent outbursts due to my bone metastasis. But nothing could deter me! My determination and will to live surpassed anything I had ever desired.
During my fight against stage 4 cancer in 2010, I underwent surgery and radiation. However, a severe staph infection prevented me from receiving chemotherapy. According to UCLA, my prognosis was grim, with only a few months left to live. But I refused to give up and sought treatment at CMN Hospital in San Luis, Mexico. Despite the financial burden, my incredible friends and family dedicated five months to fundraising for my cause. Unfortunately, the funds were managed by my abusive husband, who grew even more violent as my condition deteriorated. Despite the immense challenges, I learned to cultivate compassion for myself and others facing similar circumstances.
It was during this battle that I realized: "You can be afraid and have faith at the same time." When we finally secured the funds, we had to borrow our pastor's car and hit the road, urgency fueling our every move. As we approached the Mexico/AZ border, tension inside the vehicle reached a boiling point. Without warning, he unleashed a storm of violent blows, his fury triggered by something unknown, like a flickering switch. An opportune moment came when the car slowed, and I seized my chance to escape. I sprinted into the unknown, fueled by desperation and determination, relentlessly seeking assistance. Gasping for air, my lungs suffocated by cancer's relentless grip, every breath felt like fire. My ribs and sternum throbbed with unbearable pain, protesting the expanding pressure with each intake of air. But just as I felt a glimmer of hope, he caught up to me, crashing forcefully into my trembling body, raining down a barrage of fists.
Witnessed by onlookers across the street at a strip mall, the moment carried an undeniable intensity. Swiftly, witnesses dialed the police, who wasted no time in responding. With remarkable speed, they swooped in and pried him off of me. Handcuffed and forced to kneel, he faced a barrage of questions while tears streamed down my face and my body trembled. Desperately, I tried to steady my breath as I pleaded with the detective in the distinguished brown suit. Pointing to the PICC line in my arm, I implored them not to apprehend him. The stakes were high; the money in his pocket resulted from five months of fundraising for my cancer treatment at CMN Hospital. Every fiber of my being fought for understanding, knowing that if he was taken away, the funds crucial for my well-being would be lost. With a heavy heart and pain coursing through my veins, I contemplated the arduous journey back home, feeling defeated yet determined.
While I stayed grounded, the officer interrogated me, trying to influence my decision. Showing him the PICC line in my arm, I felt calm when he acknowledged it. He shared that his 13-year-old nephew was battling leukemia, giving me hope as he understood my situation. Concerned for my safety but willing to help, he wanted to assist me in crossing the border with funds for my cancer treatment. As he spoke to his colleagues, I prayed for a smooth passage. The police instructed us to stay in the car as they followed closely, ensuring my safety. We finally arrived at CMN Hospital, and throughout my treatment, I kept the incident to myself, sharing a room with my ex. It unexpectedly became a peaceful time, and every day, I sought solace in the hospital chapel, praying for healing.
My time at CMN Hospital was truly eye-opening. Those weeks provided a sanctuary from the chaos that had consumed my life for nearly two years. Seeking solace in the hospital chapel became a daily ritual, offering prayers as a lifeline and a source of peace. However, bidding farewell became difficult as my treatments neared completion. Anxiety gripped me as thoughts of the journey home overshadowed any hope for a brighter future. As we left Arizona behind and headed back to Simi Valley, the nightmare I had longed to escape resurfaced, revealing its ugly head.
Amidst baseless accusations, he berated me for absurd reasons, like supposedly favoring my brother over my husband. As I innocently reached for my chapstick, his words pierced the air, "You're not even listening to me!" The car instantly transformed into a battlefield, intensifying the attack. Contemplating the countless prayers offered within this pastor's vehicle, I clung to hope and fervently prayed for an escape. The desert highway stretched before us, offering little chance for liberation. Yet determination took hold, and in a brave moment, I seized the opportunity. I lunged for freedom, but he grabbed hold of me, slowing the vehicle down with a vice-like grip around my neck. Desperation fueled me as I fought against the weight, my head pressed between his lap and the unforgiving steering wheel. With a pounding heart, I broke free and sprinted through the desert, desperately waving my hands at passing cars, praying for help. Please, let someone stop!
My first attempt proved futile as he swiftly caught up, dragging me back while I screamed for help. But even in the face of his anger, I refused to give up. As soon as he turned to the driver's seat, I seized the opportunity and bolted out again, my hands thrusting into the air, a beacon of desperation. Deep down, I knew the chances of someone stopping in that desolate desert were slim, but fear wouldn't paralyze me. I was determined to keep trying, regardless of the odds. Every fiber of my being trembled with terror, knowing I couldn't bear to get back into that car as his temper escalated dangerously.
With gratitude, I recall the day a courageous woman pulled over, waving me towards her car. As soon as I entered, she gently helped me lay down in the back seat, offering water. Our journey to Eisenhower Hospital in Palm Springs took about an hour, and once there, the hospital provided security for my room.
Glancing at my reflection in the hospital restroom mirror, I recognized for the first time the extent of my bruises. Amidst a whirlwind of emotions—sadness, shame, and confusion—I couldn't help but contrast my broken appearance with the transformative healing I experienced in San Luis, Mexico. Exhaustion and pain consumed me. I couldn't help but shoulder the blame, questioning how I ended up in this mess. Throughout my hospitalization, the woman stood by my side, In fact, she went above and beyond, reaching out to people in my life who could offer support so that I wouldn't have to return home. She even offered to cover the cost of a plane ticket to bring me to Washington state, where my best friend lived.
Dealing with domestic violence while battling cancer is a challenging dilemma. Stockholm syndrome, a fascinating concept, is worth exploring. In my case, my abuser also served as my caregiver, and I became completely dependent on him (refer to "Why victims stay"). Let me explain why I declined her compassionate offer. It wasn't because I didn't appreciate her gesture. I simply couldn't bear burdening others. I was well aware of the complexities involved in my care and lacked confidence in anyone's ability to attend to my needs, given the severity of my illness.
Surviving cancer became more than a battle; it was my determination to triumph over stage four cancer, break free from its hold. It seemed daunting, almost impossible, but I held on to hope. Quitting was never an option. With stage four breast cancer, seeking refuge at a women's shelter was out of the question. In 2010, UCLA deemed me terminal with just a few months left. But I wasn't alone—I had God by my side, my eternal companion, never abandoning me.
Imagine a world where terminally ill domestic violence victims have no shelters, depriving them of crucial care. Some victims even require hospice care, yet it remains frustratingly out of reach. It's vital to grasp that when a loved one shares their story, we must not diminish its significance. Personally, I've experienced the disappointment of reaching out to family members who couldn't fathom a spouse harming their wife, especially when I was vulnerable. It's tragically common for abusers to manipulate and deceive their own families, isolating victims and creating insurmountable barriers. Nevertheless, let's express gratitude for those who support and empower us to overcome these challenges. We're truly blessed to have them by our side.October Breast Cancer And Domestic Violence Awareness Month
On October 15th, 2011, CMN's cancer treatment succeeded. Regaining my health, I devised a safety plan to leave my husband, with my niece's assistance. I managed to open a private checking account by gathering some funds. To ensure your safety and well-being, exercise caution, think creatively, and plan multiple contingencies. Remember, resourcefulness is key.
On October 15th, 2012, exactly one year after my recovery from cancer, my ex-husband subjected me to a final act of abuse that required hospitalization. Simi Valley, Adventist Hospital provided me with a taxi voucher upon my discharge. Utilizing my savings, I booked a hotel and, when it was safe, sneaked back into the house to retrieve my prepared getaway bag containing essential supplies, including dog food for my dog Louie and important paperwork. I hailed a cab, checked into another hotel, and never looked back. I divorced a physically and emotionally abusive man who dared to mistreat a woman with stage 4 cancer. Finally, I was free from abuse and cancer.There is Hope For a New Beginning,
We need to learn self-compassion and focus on every measure it takes to be safe again after a crisis, but you need to put a plan in place. Never stop believing. Keep praying and give your weakness and fear to God. He will provide you with strength. We cannot be afraid to allow our life to be an example of taking what happened and finding the lesson. What choices we made and what we learned.
December 3rd 2019 I happily married Michael, a man I loved back in 1993. Our life paths finally crossed again, and I have never been this happy in my life. It was worth the pain if the roads we struggled on led Michael and me back to one another. I am so excited to be free of violence in my life and free of stage 4 cancer. I forgive the perpetrator.
Our value comes from God. He created us, and He is the only one who can define us. We are not dirty, damaged, or used up. We are fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving God (Psalm 139). I have memories and as the years go by, I feel less anxious about that time in my life. I feel like that chapter of my life is finished, and all that followed in my life, I faced with more understanding. “Do not ever give up trust in the Lord. Even if the going gets tough or I find myself on an uphill climb. My Father’s hand is resting gently on my back, and His voice speaks tenderly over me, “You’re doing good, just keep going.” keep pushing on because He always has something for us up ahead. You won’t want to miss it.
Lord, thank you to God for that hedge of protection and for softening my heart with forgiveness so I can help others. Resentment does not let love in to do what I need to do. We learn from our experiences, and we heal if we let You in. Life is fragile, and we will face adversity, but we discover our abilities too. Faith is not a mustering of our will or power for us to wield. Faith comes from trusting in God and His will for us, and we may not ever understand why we pray for one thing, and God replies with a different plan for us.
NOTES
Understanding Domestic Violence
Why Do Victims Stay With Their Abuser?
Abusive relationships are extremely complex. The effort and resources it takes to organize a safe exit feels insurmountable. It takes a lot of courage to leave for good. Abuse is about power and control. When a survivor leaves their abusive relationship, they threaten the power and control their partner has established, which may cause the partner to retaliate in harmful ways.
Lack of Resources
If someone depends on other people for physical support, they may feel that their well-being is directly tied to their relationship; a lack of visible alternatives for support can heavily influence someone’s decision to stay in an abusive relationship if they have a disability or severe illness such as cancer. It is a common tactic for the abuser to Manipulate loved ones of the abused and they do all they can to isolate the victim from loved ones through restriction, lying, and acting as if they know more about their loved one than anyone else because they are caring for them.
Leaving Has Risks and is Dangerous
As a result, leaving is often the most dangerous period for survivors of abuse because they risk the instant loss of:
Transportation to appointments
Financial and physical dependence
The reliance of the abuser for almost every aspect of their daily needs
The abuser providing food and shelter
Homicide
A study of intimate partner homicides found that 20% of victims were not the intimate partners themselves, but family members, friends, neighbors, persons who intervened, law enforcement responders, or bystanders.3
72% of all murder-suicides involve an intimate partner; 94% of the victims of these murders are female
Stalking
19.3 million women and 5.1 million men in the United States have been stalked in their lifetime.1 60.8% of female stalking victims and 43.5% men reported being stalked by a current or former intimate partner.11
If anyone is going through this, it is very important to contact a victim’s advocate so you can get assistance putting a safety plan together. Please safely reach out to a victim advocate to help you with a safe exit plan.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
***Disclaimer: Everyone tells their personal story differently, using different words according to their belief, customs, culture, and experience. I always share according to mine and mean no offense to anyone else's philosophy, beliefs, culture, or customs.
