Anticipatory Grief
Grief that is anticipated before death is called anticipatory grief. It is often experienced by those who face the eventual death of a loved one or are being told of their own impending death. Most people expect grief to appear after death, but I'm finding that fewer, including myself, are familiar with grief that shows up before someone’s life ends.
Grieving before someone dies is neither good nor bad. Some people experience little or no grief while a loved one is dying. Some feel grieving in advance might be seen as giving up hope. For others, the grief before the actual loss is even more severe.
When my father and I both suffered from cancer, I went through anticipatory grief and did not understand why I was hurting so much as if he had died already. Whether my dad felt that way or not, he did not show it. My cancer occurred at the same time as his, so I imagine he also had it.
Grief before a death is rarely discussed, and I wonder if this is due to the social challenge of discussing grief before a death. Are we being pessimistic and depressing? Is it just awkward? There was a clear and deep pain in my heart. It is important to seek support when this happens.
In what ways does anticipatory look and feel? The question is, what can we do to cope with such a difficult situation? Through my experience and subsequent research, I have learned that we experience loss when someone close to us is on the verge of death. A loved one's death may cause unexpected emotions because you are in an "in-between place". You might feel confused when you attempt to find a balance between holding on to hope and letting go. If you are married with small children and going through anticipatory grief the roles within your family may be changing.
You may fear losing your financial security.
You may be losing your dreams about the future.
Having to parent alone
Experiencing anger about the injustice
Feeling helpless to stop the inevitable
Unlike facing grief after a sudden death, anticipatory grief can allow you to gradually adjust to the reality that someone will soon die. It can give you a chance to finish some things you wish to complete with the dying person or strengthen your relationship with them. I prayed with my dad, read to him, and he gave me a few books in advance that were very special to me because of our time together. I recorded his words of wisdom, and the greatest gift he gave me was recording the wedding toast to give on my wedding day.
