Bye-bye Toxic Person
Saying Goodbye to a Toxic Friend Isn’t Easy
“How I Left The Most Toxic Person In My Life With Love”
Beautiful Ending To The Story
Let me tell you about this woman I allowed to hurt me for decades. I never understood how she could be so brutally critical of me. Even when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I could have benefitted from an ounce of compassion from her.
I went through many traumatic events; divorce and a custody battle. I was sexually assaulted and a stalking victim, and this woman I was closest to criticized me more as I went through more trauma in my life. I was close to her. When I relocated, changed my name to Shannon Knight, and had to start my life all over in WA state, she said, “Now look at what you’ve done to your life! How will you make new friends without feeling like an imposter whenever you introduce yourself with your new name? She always said these horrible things to me, and I knew she was right; she was always right.
She was always there, a constant companion and the one I talked to the most. When I was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer in 2006, she always read articles to me with the worse case scenarios of my diagnosis. You would think she could have been more tender about how afraid I already was. Even after getting a bilateral mastectomy, when she saw my deformed chest, her criticism was her actual perspective of me; she was blunt and honest and wanted me to be realistic. How could I blame her?
When I got a stage 4 cancer recurrence in 2010 and married an abusive man, she only got worse, but she was the woman who was always there! She said, “Look at you now; you married a man who abuses you while you have cancer; what a fool! You have backed yourself into a corner and have to fight cancer and survive abuse. Good luck”
One thing I did, no matter what was being hurled at me physically, mentally, or emotionally, was to pray! I prayed a lot. God was the light that got dim when I walked away and brighter when I got close to Him.
When I was finally cancer free in 2011, and I divorced the abusive man, she said, “Who are you kidding; what difference does it make? Your whole life is a mess; you have so much baggage! You’ll never get married again because it is evident that any man would fear you getting cancer again.”
She was my best friend- if you could call her a friend, but I couldn’t take this anymore because I was feeling constant anxiety and panic. I had to end this relationship. I would have to handle her delicately because she had been a part of my life for so long. I would have to be brave because I knew I deserved better and would have to convince her I deserved love and compassion; I was not willing to listen to her lies and criticism any longer. I knew it was time to say goodbye.
I finally mustered the courage; I walked over to her, and looked right into the bathroom mirror at my reflection.I cried as I told myself gently, “No more; it ends here and now. I took out my lipstick and wrote, you are loved on the mirror. I left it there for a very long time.
I told her I am God’s creation, I am loved, and from now on, I will begin to recognize all my qualities and gifts of who I am and start learning what self-compassion means. I cried for a while, realizing how I had treated myself for so many years after all I had been through. Why did I allow it?
Saying goodbye to someone who talked horribly to me wasn’t easy because even though she criticized me, I understood her; I knew why she looked at me the way she did. I also knew that when I let go, I needed to be tender with her, understand how she became that kind of woman, and let go with the deepest love and compassion. Mark 12:31, Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves. How can we possibly love our neighbors if we don't love ourselves?
How can we possibly be compassionate towards others if we're never compassionate towards ourselves?
I knew over time, I would be able to love other people much better and that she would come back now and then to attempt to hurt me, but at least I would know what she was doing. Self-awareness is essential on the journey to self-compassion. Slip-ups are okay. We can be our worst critics, and our perception of others can be warped if we are not first compassionate towards ourselves. We assume people who love us do not care when often they do, and sometimes we believe we are loved by someone who absolutely does not. We knew it; we were not mistaken about how we were treated. Receiving love is a remarkable and beautiful experience!
I had to work hard to learn the importance of self-compassion and apply it in my life consistently. I started with my favorite picture of me at the innocent age of five, putting it in a beautiful frame on my bedside so I could remember who I was, my true identity in Christ, Our Lord.
If I ever catch my friend coming back to criticize her, I will stop her and tell her that I know this little girl so well and the truth about who she is.
She is kind, worthy, loveable, and beautiful. Every scar on her body had a story with a beautiful ending.
We will all make mistakes. We will fail sometimes; it’s inevitable. However, allowing harsh self-criticism only makes matters worse. Self-compassion changes everything, bringing a better perspective, stronger faith, and more hope. All of these we need, to keep going forward and to fully thrive in our lives.
I did find true love, a man that is not afraid of possibly having to care for me if I ever got sick, a man who says I am beautiful and believes in the power of God’s love to transform my thinking back to the truth of how He created me with love.I know the truth of my name change to Knight was to keep me safe, but it was also chosen as a reminder of scripture I needed to hold onto during my trials. Ephesians 6:10-18. Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord and in the power of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, so you may be able to stand against the devil's wiles.
To learn about my self-compassion life-coaching, please visit my website https://www.shannonknight.com/one-wildflower-life-coaching
